A Toast to Love
love is not a game
I attended a birthday party last night that was Greek Symposium themed. We all dressed up in flowing robes, quaffed watered down wine1, and speakers took turns giving addresses on the nature of Love. Here is my crack at it:
Wow, incredibly moving and powerful stories. I would like to add my own meagre contribution to this feast of insight (sloshes wine glass around) by talking about the TV show that has most improved my own understanding of love: F-Boy Island.
F-boy Island involves three women and twenty-four men (or gender flipped in its distaff companion F-Girl island) who are looking for love. Half of the men are nice guys, half of them are f-boys. If the women fall for a nice guy, and choose him at the end of the season, they’ll split the prize money of 100k. If they choose a f-boy, he has the option to take it all for themselves. Given the selection effects of going on a show called F-Boy Island it’s unclear how exactly the producers rigorously selected who was in which group.
The first crush I remember having was on Olivia Walker2 when I was eleven. There was some kind of school dance we could ask a girl to go with us to. I was too nervous to ask her, so instead I bought her a giant candy bar and left it in her locker with a note.
A few hours later she came over to me and gave me a giant hug. I was elated.
She went with someone else to the dance.
She kept the candy bar.
So, Love is about discernment.
—
There are many great moments in F-Boy Island, but one that stayed with me was from Season Three where former Bachelorette Katie was being woo’d by obviously nice guy Vince. They were on a date night and Vince said “I think I love you”. Smash cut to the camera where Katie says “no no no. Reality TV Show 101. There’s an order to these things. You don’t say I’m in love with you, you say “I think I’m falling in love with you”.
In college I accompanied a young woman from a party back to her dorm room to see her etchings. When the flirtation escalated, I started to gush about how much I liked her.
She froze and pulled back. “why? You just met me”.
I paused, confused frozen Wile Coyote mid-air over the cliff: “yah idk good point”.
So, Love is about pacing.
—
I’ve checked and none of the contestants on the show are still together. Vince and Katie stayed together for a little while, and Katie feels like she grew a lot from the relationship, but it wasn’t eternal.
My first breakup was in high school; I didn’t understand what it meant to be in a relationship, that I was supposed to reach out and do stuff with the other person. I’m not sure at what age one learns how to Want and turn that into plans, but for me it wasn’t fifteen.
After two dates, and me not doing anything in between, she ended it. I don’t remember what she said - emotional blackout - but after we just kept on being friends.
So, Love is about growth.
—
There have been thirty episodes of f-boy island across three seasons, ten episodes of f-girl island, and 19 episodes of f-boy island Australia.
It’s a pastiche and remix of countless other reality tv shows, which all redo one anothers tropes and character archetypes and storylines - “reality TV show 101”. About 150,000 people watch episodes of F-Boy Island live. Love is Blind had ~1.5 million viewers in its first week.
I have been on a lot of dates that hit the same rhythms and have the same talking phases and the same set pieces (Birba Wine Bar in Hayes). I know many of the people in this room, single or in relationships or married, are also in this eternal recurrence.
And yet we still go.
We have the conversations.
We watch the next episode and bet on who’s going to be kicked off and who’s going to make it to the end.
So truly, Love is what keeps us tuning in.
—
And I raise my glass to all of you, voyeurs and active contestants alike in the very real reality of love, and offer a toast:
may the competitions be easy,
may the dates sponsored by Jose Cuervo be exciting,
and may no one ever say to us
f-boy, f-bye.
“water and wine ensured that symposiasts maintained composure and self-control, traits that were highly valued in ancient Greek society, at least according to most of our literature on the symposium. The Greeks seemed to believe that only barbarians -- and, of course, anyone who was not Greek was considered a barbarian -- drank unmixed wine” [the symposium in ancient Greek society]
I’ve changed the name in case she sees this and wants to get back together. See also the opening slide of 500 days of summer.
